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Deficient in natural abilities or have so little command over yourself that you spend the time that you ought to devote do deep study in reading novels or in amusing yourself some other way. If all or any of these things are true, I am afraid you have "lost your role" that you are considering upon the dark mountains if so go back my Son - Teck it again - intreat for a guide to conduct you all the way through. But my Son I hope & expect better things of you that you are with humble diligence (trusting in him who cometh for you) seeking to gratify yourself to be ((unclear)) useful ((unclear)) to yourself and friend & an instrument in the hand of God of doing great good to mankind however small you may be at present, there can be no harm in setting your standard high - I would earn and merit a good name & try to get above the fear of man "cease from man, from fearing him or trusting in him." You are apt to think too much of it is from ((unclear)) or any other cause you fail as having the approbation of others. I have been thinking over and come to the conclusion that altho' we as a family have more real refinement than most others - yet we have (the appearance at least of a lack of good breeding and acquaintance with refin'd society which has been a great disadvantage & to you particularly as much so perhaps as the lack of the "dollar" - and as some small remedy I advise whatever the difference in cost that you procure a boarding place the ensuing year in some really genteel respectable religious family. But after all I fear it will be like so many other advantages beyond your reach for the want of XY 10th Seriously how would it do to quit there and go to Amherst if the money could be procur'd - Now I think I could perhaps induce your Uncle Joseph Stevens to lend you all the money necessary for your years expenses. If we could show times that he could have "good & sufficient, security - I am confident that he could do it. Perhaps Mrs ((unclear)) would if I should ask her and I could make up my mind to ask her but it would effect begging but what matter if we could but get it.